One of the greatest days of my life was the birth of my first child, Sean Michael, on October 12th, 1985. It is still so hard to believe that I would have a 32 year old son. I don’t feel that old.
In 1998, Sean was only 12 years old when his life was taken. Sean was a gifted artist and had ambition to study art with the dream of someday being a cartoonist for Walt Disney Company. The last project he finished was his pencil drawing of a scene from Disney’s Pinocchio ®. It was his 4-H project and he finished it just days before his death.
Sometimes I sit and try to imagine what all three of my children would look like today? Where would they be? Would Sean have fulfilled his dream of being an artist? I remember the first time I heard the song “Who You’d Be Today?” by country singer Kenny Chesney. Every word in that song resonated with me and tears roll down my cheeks when I hear it.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin’ in the rain.
I still can’t believe you’re gone.
It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who’d you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An’ I know it might sound crazy.
It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who you’d be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I’ll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
This would have potentially enthe time in Sean’s life where he would get married, thrive in a career and possibly start a family. Oh how I would love to be a grandmother and I feel so robbed of that opportunity.
The pain is real! Grieving has many steps and there is no time stop. Some holidays and/or birthdays are harder to get through than others. When you experience so much loss, it can be easy to fall into despair and give up on life. But over the last 19 years, I have focused on healing and filling my life with love and laughter. I know my children would want me to continue to live and love.
On my continued path of healing, this year I chose to publish my book and tell my story in Healing Tears. I recently released my first children’s book I Love and Like You! dedicated to my son, Jarod. I wrote the book from Jarod’s perspective and it shares the lesson that you don’t always have to like someone – their attitude, behavior, or actions, but we should always love.
My newest book is Ornaments of Love and it is in honor of Sean and will be available in the upcoming weeks. When I received the illustrations from the artist, Jack Foster, I was overwhelmed with emotion. As I looked through the pages, I smiled and my heart filled with joy as Jack again brought my words to life through his drawings. I cried as I saw the pages where my children were drawn to look older and at the end of the book, Sean is married with his own children. The story is told as if Sean was writing and shares our family tradition of special ornaments. Whether they were ornaments I gave to the children or the craft ones they made for while in school, we would share stories and memories each year while hanging them on the Christmas tree. They were our Ornaments of Love.
Happy Birthday to my beloved son, Sean, in Heaven!
I miss you daily.
I’ll love you always and forever.
Till I am with you again “some day”.
❤️